What do you do when the magic fades? When taking a deep breath of fresh air while riding to work leaves you choking and gagging on diesel fumes and garbage stink? When a tuk-tuk driver stubbornly won't stop insisting that you pay him an exorbitant amount of money for a ride even though you're speaking with him in Khmer? When, after being sick for two months, you give up Cambodian iced coffee, street food, and Cambodian food in general in order to just not be sick? When, one week after taking that step you come down with shingles? When the nice tropical temperatures become oppressive tropical heat? When you realize, that after 60 hours of language lessons, you still can't have an actual conversation in Khmer? What do you do when the honeymoon phase is officially over?
When we got back from our week out in the village over Khmer New Year in April, I felt like our honeymoon phase in Cambodia had ended. I guess it was a combination of being sick, being unable to communicate well, feeling stranded and helpless, that led to me not even wanting to leave the house for the first week after we got back (which ended up being fine, because I was sick enough that I couldn't really leave the house anyway). I started getting frustrated more easily when we got stuck in seemingly endless traffic or when we drove with a motodup driver who had absolutely no idea where he was going. Khmer food was making me feel sick and the heat was starting to drive me crazy. Even work was feeling more frustrating than fulfilling. For the first time, all I wanted to do was be back in Germany.
when you go from seeing this ...
... to noticing this ....
... to not being able to look away from this
Life was starting to seem exhausting and I was wondering if I really wanted to stay here for a whole two years. There would be moments, sometimes days at a time when I would fall back in love with living here, but in general life here was feeling more like slogging through knee-deep mud than soaring above the clouds. That, by the way, is the reason why I didn't write anything on this blog for about six week. I just couldn't seem to muster the energy to write a cheerful post about relaxing on the beach when I was just feeling so tired of everything.
At some point though, something changed. I don't know exactly what or when, but it's gotten easier, better. Maybe it was my sister-in-law coming to live with us and work in Phnom Penh until the end of the year, meaning that we actually have family here. Maybe it's knowing that my youngest sister is coming to visit in the fall, bringing a little bit more of home with her. Maybe it's my new-found routine of grocery shopping and cooking at home, something that I always did and loved in Germany, but had kind of stopped doing since we moved. Maybe it's looking back at a really tough few months at work and being proud of what I've achieved. Maybe it's also remembering that even if we use up our savings to be able to stay here, it will have been worth it, because this life we have here, what we're doing? It's our dream - the dream we're getting to live.
I still see the garbage, get grossed out when I see that the "stinky canal" (I'll leave that one up to your imagination) has flooded, get annoyed when I'm getting ripped off, and want to shoot the neighbor's dog when it won't stop barking at 3:00 in the morning. Thankfully, though, I also see the cute little kids smiling/laughing (there's a very fine line there) at me when I drive to work and the brilliant colors of the tropical fruits piled up at the market. I am noticing that the air is getting cooler, thanks to the rainy season that has finally started. Yesterday I was able to tell my Khmer teacher a few short anecdotes about my weekend in (very simple) Khmer. On Friday I even drove a moto through the city for the first time and arrived home safe and sound, buzzing with adrenaline from weaving through traffic and pushing on through knee-high water. All of those little things have been coming together to add some lightness to the days when I'm feeling heavy and bogged down and give me perspective when my focus is getting stuck on the negative again.
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